Anxiety Trigger #1374
I’m trying to be OK with the fact that I was one of the only people not invited to an event; thinking that I won’t have to see the host, so it won’t be awkward.
But there she is. Going from office to office saying hello and getting congratulated. And I immediately felt a tightness in my chest, like someone grabbed my lungs into a fist and clenched tightly till the heat started to rise into my face and my brain was overcome with pins and needles.
I leaned into my desk and kept my attention squarely focused on the report I was writing. Maybe she’ll come by my office and I’ll politely and cheerfully congratulate her and make nothing of the fact that I wasn’t invited.
But there she goes. Right passed my office without even so much as a glance in my direction.
And I know I shouldn’t care, because we’re not close. It’s understandable that I wouldn’t be invited to celebrate her engagement. But I do care. I am consumed by it. I feel nauseous and it’s all I can think about.
Why was I the only one left out? Why does she not even care to say hello? And in 15 minutes, when we have to sit in the same room for our year end review meeting; why will she smile at me like nothing’s happened at all?
More importantly, how do I stop caring? Instead of wondering how I will get through this meeting and make a casual escape from the office, how do I just not give a fuck and move on?