I’m cracking up I need a pill

So I haven’t been in therapy in a while, partly because I feel like I’ve gotten a handle on my issues, and partly because my therapist left the country :p But mostly because of me. I’m going to give myself that credit.

Generally, I’ve been really good about being aware of my thoughts and addressing them – not allowing self sabotage to take over, confronting my “demons”. Some days are easier than others, but I do see an improvement, if you will, on my overall demeanor. And it’s being reflected in my work. Long story short, I’m happier.

There is, though, a strange and recurring thought that keeps coming to me; and it’s so extreme and so intense – my heart starts racing and my chest tightens a little and breathing is quicker, shorter, harder to come by, and I feel nauseated and panicked, and ALL of which happens for a split second…;

until I realize that it’s just a thought. I have not (nor would ever) think of taking this kind of action.

It started a couple of years ago – and to a much lesser degree (in terms of frequency and effect). Whenever I drive across this one particular bridge, I would think, or imagine rather, that all of a sudden, something would come over me and I would drive myself off the bridge. Normally, I’d just shake off the thought, tell myself off for being so silly and so morbid, and keep driving.

Lately, this thought has been more frequent and is applied to any situation where there are heights, windows, ledges or bridges.

DISCLAIMER (in case you didn’t get it the first time): I am NOT suicidal. These thoughts are terrifying and not liberating in the slightest. This is not something I wish for, or dream of. The purpose of this post is to “talk it out” – maybe it’ll make a little more sense? Maybe if I vocalize it, the thoughts will go away? I don’t know what the purpose is, but it is not a cry for help nor a cause for concern. I am happy and wish to die at the ripe old age of 100.

As I was saying, I’ll be sitting at my desk and as I’m looking out the window, I imagine myself falling out of it (we’re on the 6th floor) and I get scared. I get a lump in my throat and I will have to physically close my eyes and shake my head in order to get rid of the thought (my team thinks I’m bonkers). While having my cigarette break out in the hall, these thoughts will come to me as I’m standing by the balcony ledge. Driving across a bridge. At the top of the stairs. It’s nutters. And it’s annoying as hell.

Is it anxiety? Is it just a case of wild (albeit grotesque and morbid as all hell) imagination and bad luck? Admittedly, this normally happens on the days that I’m a little more self-conscious – the days I’m not feeling super confident and such.

I told my boss (who’s also become a really good friend) and asked if she had ever had similar thoughts. She laughed, saying “No – that doesn’t happen to me. And no, it’s not normal,” at which I laughed back and realized how bizarre it sounded. But is it? Is it that cuckoo? I guess my real question here is, does this happen to any of you?


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