I wish I could say I was feeling numb. But numbness doesn’t come with jittery hands and a sprinting heart beat. My face is warm and my whole body feels foreign, like I have no control over it. I want to be invisible because I feel that everyone can see how nervous I am. How uncomfortable I am. It’s not a nauseous-nervous feeling, but more of a nagging, tight-chested, lose your voice kind of nervous. I want to disappear. I want to just go away. I want this feeling to go away.
I just gave a presentation to my direct supervisor and the general manager. My first assignment at my new job. They asked me to present findings for a project that was done years ago to evaluate my performance, my capabilities, my understanding. Me. To evaluate me and whether or not I can cut it. <At least that’s what is flooding my brain right now>
And while the feedback they gave me was generally positive, I can’t seem to shake off this feeling. Of course I’m not going to get it 100% from the first try, but the fact that I didn’t really bothers me. The fact that they didn’t sugar coat really bothers me (they weren’t rude or mean, or wrong for that matter, they just pointed out weaknesses that I should focus on in the future.) But what bothers me most is that I made some sort of impression and I have no idea what it is. Or if it’ll stick. Or if I’ve set some sort of precedent that they will always judge me by.
Anyway, I figured writing it down might help calm my nerves. Which it did. A little.
I also immediately started chatting with two friends online to make me feel better. They’re my comfort zone. That helped.
Anyway – thank you blog therapy. I hope I can eventually move past this nonsense.