I walked from home about 5 or 6 kilometers to one of my more preferred spots in Amman so that I could clear my head, get some reading done and write a long, overdue blog post. My mind was racing the entire way here. Right from when I stepped out of the house:
“Wow I’m really going to do this. I’m going to walk. Alone. All the way there. It’s OK, at least it’s sunny today. Last week we were snowed in and today the weather’s gorgeous – GO!”
So I went. And the thoughts kept on coming.
“Should I call someone to meet me? No, no – take the time to yourself. It’ll be good for you. You can do it. Try to be alone, what’s the worst that could happen?”
I had a tough week, emotionally. Work was stressful, but I managed to get focused and surprisingly, got on top of everything with no delay, no procrastination. I stayed up till 4:30am to get a presentation done, but I did it. Saved myself the stress and anxiety of worrying about delivering on time and what my boss and clients would say. Job well done too because my boss was impressed with my work! Now to figure out a way to keep this going… one day at a time, I figure.
I’m coming towards a busy intersection and I have no idea how I’m going to cross the road. There are no traffic lights because it’s a roundabout, so I’ll have to just wait for the road to clear up so I can run across the street. “F$%k it, should I just hail a cab? There are 3 more roundabouts that I’m going to have to cross – I’m gonna panic and be stuck in the middle of the street. Get on the phone – call someone and keep them on the phone while you make your way.”
So I did – I called my sister and had her “hold my hand” while I crossed the street.
“Now that wasn’t so bad, was it?” I kept walking. And the thoughts kept coming.
My aunt went in for surgery. 3rd surgery in under a year – she’s back home now but in a lot of pain, and angry about it. I wish I could help her; make her realise that she can help herself and that not all is lost. She worries all the time. About everything and everyone. And it makes her so ill. Maybe that’s where I get my anxiety from – and I wish I could take the advice that I give her, but some things are just easier said than done. Baby steps – her and me.
Almost there. Managed to cross all roads, phone free. “You really going to sit alone? How are you gonna get back home? Where are you going to find a cab? It’s too long a walk to do it again, especially in the dark. Road will be a lot busier – you’re going to have to cab it.” The thought of sitting alone was starting to really terrify me. So I caved and called my best friend. She said she’d come meet me after she finishes up some errands. “Phew”
Some of my closest friends have been busy, and with my insane work hours, I haven’t been able to keep up. And as ridiculous as it sounds, I can’t help but feel like I don’t belong anymore. I don’t react very well in these situations and have managed to make hanging out a very awkward experience (yes, I realise the situation is in my head). So instead, I avoided them at a party we were all at yesterday, drank like a fish and woke up with a fierce hangover. To top it off, when they called me to join them for a BBQ this morning, I gave lousy excuses for why I couldn’t join, and sat in bed feeling sorry for myself instead.
It’s been a tough week, but I have to believe that I can get over this nonsense and function normally. I need to learn to be on my own and have an independent life so that I can stop resenting everyone else who does it so effortlessly. I need to stop giving a shit what others think of me. There are lots of people I don’t like, I should be able to give them that same privilege of thought and judgement on me. And to get started – we’ll focus on the positive:
- I walked here. Alone.
- I’ve been sitting at this cafe for an hour. Alone.
- I’m getting this business of my chest and onto the interwebs – although it terrifies me to think of how this blog post will be received, but I have to put myself out there.
- I ordered chocolate cake and it’s delicious.
So, how did this little chicken cross the road? With a bit of doubt, fear, anxiety and a lot of heart.